Tuesday, December 31, 2019
I've had a semi-formal tradition, for many years now, of sitting down at the end of a year to reflect on what has happened, and try and set a bit of a tone for the year to come.Friday, December 27, 2019
This is one of those thoughts that, somehow, your brain manages to assemble while asleep - and, while it may seem like you just got up for a quick midnight snack, what you really needed to be awake for was to write this stuff down. Because it's important.Sunday, December 8, 2019
One of the interesting tidbits of culture that I've recently become fascinated with is the idea of "queer prom" and other special-occasion events that are "redone" - sometimes long after the expected event would typically occur - in order to provide people with a more authentic experience than they could have had earlier in life.Sunday, November 17, 2019
Almost seven months ago, I started the series of personal journal entries that would eventually turn into this site. There is a lot I want to do here, but I'm going to start by publishing what I can of the original documents I wrote this year.Saturday, October 5, 2019
Saturday, July 20, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-10-09, unedited.]
11 days.
HRT intake appointment is scheduled. Way too busy feeling things to want to try to cram them all into words. And that's the way it should be.
Friday, July 19, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-10-09, unedited. I found an unspeakably important amount of comfort in music during 2019, and although this post has no additional information beyond the two song titles, it still says so much about where I was at mentally and emotionally.]
Oceanlab – On a Good Day.
Oceanlab – I Am What I Am
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Editorial note: published December 1, 2019, with only miniscule edits. This is a character sheet for an unspecified table-top RPG.Read the rest of Trans Mission Log: Thursday, July 18, 2019...
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-10-09, with minor redactions for privacy.]
Need to just get some stuff out and try and fight my obsession with sounding fancy. Been working through a list of one-on-one conversations with coworkers who I think deserve to know first-hand before I come out completely via company-wide email notice. A few of us were planning on playing some board games last night and hanging out. I am out to everyone in that circle. Two people couldn't make it which was a real blow because I was really looking forward to seeing them (meeting one of them, really).
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Watched a short film earlier about a soldier returning home to meet his daughter for the first time - his AMAB daughter. Incredibly powerful, to the point that I don't think I can really talk about it much without needing to spend another hour crying again.Read the rest of Thursday, July 11, 2019...
Thursday, July 11, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-10-09, with only minor edits for privacy.]
There's a pattern to learning skills that I think is really useful. I mostly think of it these days in terms of music, from learning bass. I first started awkwardly poking a bass something like... 13 or 14 years ago I guess. Not sure exactly. But I remember a feeling, at the time, of impatience and envy. I just wanted to skip the learning and be good.
Thursday, July 4, 2019
I didn't realize until earlier this morning how much I actually want to write about this.
The fourth of July has always been a stressful holiday for me, in one way or another. In recent years it has been largely because the entire day was a continuous hell for my poor dog, who would spend the surrounding 36 hours pacing the house in abject fright, unable to even get outside long enough to visit the yard, because of the random booms and explosions. Watching him suffer and being utterly powerless to help was not exactly conducive to enjoying the day.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, with only trivial edits for privacy and typos.]
Was reminded of an old [social media] post of mine from the end of February this year. (Coincidentally, there's probably a decent bit of other stuff in that account that would be fun to stash in here too.)
Meeting with HR yesterday went very well. My homework for the next few days is to start sketching up a plan for who I want to tell and when, culminating in a general company-wide memo. Basically the idea is that people who should get more detail and personal time to talk about things will be first, and as the audience widens outwards the level of specifics and such can taper off. So people I work with all the time can actually talk to me about what's up, while on the other extreme, the vast majority basically get a note that says "send your emails to this address instead and don't shit your pants when she steps out of the ladies room."
Monday, July 1, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, unedited.]Working up the will to actually start getting ready for bed. I have a meeting scheduled with HR for 11AM tomorrow. Going to let them know I am transitioning and see what needs to happen next.
fuck
Saturday, June 29, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, with only very minor edits.]
The last entry was from like 1AM and then I went to bed and then I did today and now it's close to 11PM. So mleh.
I'm going to try and stay simple here because I don't want to get stuck trying to be fancy with words. A bit ago I was poking around reading about thought habits and wandered into an article on CPTSD. It talked about some of the awful things that can appear in survivors and victims. A lot of it was sadly familiar (which isn't terribly surprising) – problems with emotional processing, relationships, self-image, etc. I've known for a while now that this model fits me very, very well.
Saturday, June 29, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, unedited.]
Dance like no one is watching... until the day when you are ready to dance like everyone is watching.
I'm quibbling with myself over the date on this entry, because it's 0115 and I haven't really slept so maybe it's more of a Friday entry, and Friday had some good stuff to talk about, but... bleh. Whatever.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, unedited.]
Something I've been enjoying a lot in the past couple of months is the feeling of freedom in how I move. It's incredible to me... not just that certain physical motions are intensely gendered, but how utterly invisible that is to most people. I mean – they can probably spot something "wrong" but that's probably the extent. I don't think it's typical for people to be low-key conscious of every muscle contraction in their body because they feel compelled to make sure it's gendered "correctly."
Friday, June 21, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, with only trivial edits for privacy.]
Slowly putting things into place. Skipped work today. Going to take the weekend to square away as much as I can. Setting up a definite plan of action for starting HRT. Researching name and gender marker change laws; at the moment it's looking like I'm going to want a lawyer. Working out who I need to talk to and in what order so I can come out completely at work. Planting the first seeds for my eventual exit from [the industry I work in], into whatever lies beyond.
I didn't expect to be 33 years old and having to learn how to get dressed all over again.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
I don't want to be a programmer anymore. I want to be a trans rights activist.
[Editorial note: I published this retroactively, on Friday, September 3rd, 2021. It is a thought that has stuck in my mind and my heart ever since the first time the words occurred to me, two years prior. I've since found a way to do both at the same time, and I am deeply grateful for the opportunity.]
Sunday, June 16, 2019
[Published retroactively 2021-09-03, unedited.]
What an amazing fucking day.
Got a ton of stuff done that had been just languishing – mostly domestic chore type garbage, but important to finish nonetheless.
Beautiful sunset in the park again.
Soaked in a scented bath for a while and just relaxed. Listening to Marco Torrance and savoring a raspberry flavored Coke.
Friday, June 14, 2019
[Published retroactively 2021-09-03, unedited.]
I don't have anything deep or fancy to say tonight.
Earlier I watched the sun start to set over a marsh, in a nearby park. It was pretty... and it was powerfully unusual for me to notice, and appreciate it. I could see flowers and moss and vines and trees and hints of animals that were staying out of sight of the human visitors. I could feel the warmth of the retreating sun balanced by the gentle breezes. I liked it, and I felt like I was allowed to like it, which was a strange sort of comment on my experiences with gender normativity.
Monday, June 10, 2019
[Published retroactively on 2021-09-03, unedited.]
One of the reasons I take my transition desires seriously is that they are very different from other things I want.
What should I get for lunch? Oh, hmm... maybe a sandwich? Do I want a sandwich? What kind of sandwich? The place that makes that kind of sandwich is further away... but you can get this less appealing type of sandwich closer – and cheaper! Is that compelling enough? Or should I take the hit and get the first kind? Maybe I don't want that kind so bad after all. Do I?
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
[Editorial note: published retroactively 2021-09-03, with some minor edits for privacy. In hindsight, I find this a fascinating look at the way my psyche was struggling to resolve some seriously complicated things. As I sit here and think about my current self-described genderflux identity, of wavering between "girl" and some kind of agender non-binary person, it's amazing to realize what has - and hasn't - stayed with me from this experience.]
This is actually overdue by just more than a week; at the time I managed to scribble some hasty notes in my phone before ultimately falling asleep, and then I subsequently failed to find the energy to actually type up the full account between then and now.
Sunday, June 2, 2019
[Editorial note, from 2021-09-03: In hindsight, I now know that this was a misdiagnosis, predicated on a wild misunderstanding (on the part of the medical professionals involved) of the profile of child abuse related trauma and gender identity crises I was struggling with. While the diagnoses were wrong, the pain and confusion were real, and some of these questions and challenges still mess with me to this day. This is mostly unedited, save minor tweaks for privacy and a small removal of a mention of someone best not discussed.]
I have bipolar disorder.
I no longer have readily accessible records of what happened, but I do know that the month of August 2007 will always be burned into my awareness.
Sunday, May 26, 2019
I don't really know if there is a point I want to make tonight, even subconsciously. I think I mainly just want to explore some thoughts and see where things go – but it's going to be a dark and rough trip I suspect.
This year has been hard. It opened up with a horrific series of weeks that culminated in me giving up my dog for re-adoption – a loose end I still have not had the heart to follow up on, meaning I have no idea what happened to him.
Friday, May 24, 2019
I'm resisting the urge to write on a really weirdly primal level, which is probably a strong indicator that I should write something.
I've been reflecting a bit today; not entirely sure what prompted any of it anymore, or how I wound up in this particular thought-region, but here we are. I usually try to be really disciplined about distinguishing between relatives and actual family, but I feel pretty raw at the moment and probably need to just get things on the page instead of crafting my wording too much, so for the next little while, I may be imprecise in that particular set of language.
I fucking hate my family.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Editorial note: published retroactively July 6, 2020, unedited.
I fucking miss my dog.
Heads up, and thank fuck that you're still alive
Still air in my lungs, still blood in my veins
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Editorial note: I've redacted the entirety of this actual entry as it was originally written. At the time, I was still reeling from the end of a catastrophically abusive relationship, and parsing through the feelings and confusion from slowly beginning to realize that it was not the wonderful experience I'd made it out to be in my head. As often happens with recovery from abuse, time has brought a clarity to my mind that makes this entry almost feel like it was written by someone else - it is that out of place in my archives.
However, I did want to come back here (today is Friday, September 3rd, 2021 as I post this) and mention that the entry did in fact exist. I no longer feel the need to hide that I wrote this, even if the words themselves are so painfully distorted as to not merit publication.
I have learned so much - and healed so much - since this was written. There is hope.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
I dragged out of bed sometime slightly before noon today, and put together a long checklist of assorted responsibilities and obligations and whatever that I should be taking care of this weekend.
Friday, May 17, 2019
It's 03:40. I woke up because my dumbass laptop started playing videos and I don't really understand why.
But what I actually thought was noteworthy was the fact that, as I slowly clawed my way out of sleep, I remember some dim impression of another girl – cute, fascinating, sassy, I dunno what all else. She was interesting and compelling in that undefinable way that imaginary people you conjure while semi-conscious tend to be. And I remember waking with a smile and the thought, "I am so damn gay for her."
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Finding myself drifting into thought-territory that is mostly occupied by attraction and relationship matters. I don't really know what to make of any of it yet, but I sort of hope that leaving some breadcrumbs will help in some way.
Of course, I have the standard tangled confusion between finding people attractive and wanting to feel like I am that attractive. This is particularly pronounced around women. On one extreme, on total boy days, it's mostly attraction with a faint hint of wistful jealousy. But even on serious girl days, I still find women hot; there's simply an increase in the jealousy.
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Ah, fuck.
For some trans women this is a tough day because it's a heartless reminder that things will always be a bit different for us than cis women. For some it's a chance for affirmation and belonging – to be included in the population of "mothers" as it always should have been. For some it's a chance for acceptance – to be a mother's child, unbroken and righted, as was not always the case.
Saturday, May 11, 2019
I can't tell what I am today. I can feel the resistance inside against being boy, and the almost-panicked yearning to go back to being girl. I am not who I want to be and I cannot find a name. This is being enby, and it is a conflicted familiarity. I know this turf well and it mostly seems like it is supposed to be home – but it isn't where I want to be home. Enby days just stir up a terrified worry that maybe I'll never actually know, never figure anything out, never get to just be someone I actually like. Or love.Friday, May 10, 2019
Fluidity is fucking bullshit. It sucks. It feels profoundly, terribly, hopelessly out of control. Beyond control. Beyond predictability, beyond hope of sense.
But it isn't just arbitrary; it feels outright cruel. Gender fluidity don't give a fuck. You wanted to feel like a girl tonight? Too bad, don't give a fuck. Oh, now is a super inconvenient time to exhibit a massively feminine behavior? Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Need to act like an actual operational human being for five seconds instead of being paralyzed with anxiety about what you'll sound like if you're dumb enough to try to speak?
Thursday, May 9, 2019
I really, really, fucking love being a girl.
Like. Fuck. All that eloquent floral linguistic shit is just utterly inadequate.
I LOVE BEING ME AS A GIRL.
Read the rest of Thursday, May 9, 2019...
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Oh holy fuck.
I used to think about what it would have been like to have really hit the trance scene properly at its height.
It just occurred to me that what I really missed out on was the peak trance scene as a girl.
FUCK.
Read the rest of Wednesday, May 8, 2019...
Saturday, May 4, 2019
I read a post today from someone who was concerned about coming out trans to their family, because of the possibility of losing that family in the process.
It made me think. I've observed before that I feel like I've had a fairly easy time confronting being trans, because it's just not the first major upheaval I've ever lived through. Fuck, at this point, shredding my world and doing something entirely new from scratch is practically a fucking routine. Sure, this is larger in magnitude than anything I've done, but the process of starting over is... home.
Friday, May 3, 2019
Tag: dumb shit that should have tipped me off that I'm trans
All those random moments where I had vague, wordless thoughts – something about an incongruity between me and the expectations I just sort of assumed I couldn't dislodge from everyone else... the ideas that I can now verbalize as "man it really sucks nobody else can tell I'm a girl."
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Monday, April 29, 2019
Editorial note: I originally wrote this years ago, and later posted it as part of a public blog, on a predecessor to this site. I've manually transcribed it here, unchanged, on 2022-12-09.
I stopped smoking on April 6, 2018. Over a year ago now. Even during some intense stress the past few months I've barely had any cravings, but I'm sure as fuck having some now.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
I think it's finally becoming unavoidably clear that I need to write this shit down. The excuses don't matter and the benefits are too numerous and substantial to ignore. So here we are.