Sunday, June 16, 2019

Written Sunday, June 16, 2019

[Published retroactively 2021-09-03, unedited.]


What an amazing fucking day.

Got a ton of stuff done that had been just languishing - mostly domestic chore type garbage, but important to finish nonetheless.

Beautiful sunset in the park again.

Soaked in a scented bath for a while and just relaxed. Listening to Marco Torrance and savoring a raspberry flavored Coke.

Still learning the finer points of navigating daily life in a skirt, and I realized a bit ago that I'd inadvertently chopped the closing button off the back of one of the new tops I bought, but for all the silly little mistakes and stumbles, I'm just... laughing about it. Slowly learning how to be a girl. Totally happy to weather the bumps along the way.

I'm finding more and more peace with myself lately. It's all still so infinitely hard to explain or describe, but... it's ok. I believe in myself and trust myself and I know this is all going to an amazing place.

I'm increasingly driven to resist drowning in the negative spirals I lived in for so long. I'm building a pretty good set of tools for that, too.

It's 11PM and brain is a very sleepy girl, who keeps quietly reminding me that we have work in the morning. So the words may get a bit less overwrought and ridiculous for a bit. But I still have a thing I want to say.

The negativity thing is important. Today is Father's Day. I don't really know why, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don't want to dig into all the buried pain and horrible past that goes along with this day for me. I don't want to hurt over it, and I don't want to live in it anymore.

I want to be happy, today. And every day. I want to walk around in a wooded marshland park and watch the sun set and cry because it's so pretty. I want to listen to old nostalgic music and just enjoy the shivers it sends up my spine at all the beautiful parts. I want to drink a silly sugar drink that reminds me in some incredibly tenuous way of a half-memory I have, of a little girl sneaking out into the yard to steal raspberries off the bushes.

There are many things I need to resolve in my soul, still. Plenty of pain and darkness and deep wounds to mend. And there will be time for that healing.

Right now, as Calling Lluvia Del Verano queues up on the speakers, it's time to just be a happy girl.

I love you, Amelia.