Meta: publishing some old things, finally
Written Friday, September 3, 2021
Today has been ... intense.
This blog is filled with mentions and allusions to the things I endured as a child, growing up in a horrific environment, bouncing from one hellish landscape of neglect and abuse to another. I spent part of this morning doing trauma therapy exercises, writing freehand with a purple pen on printer paper, about those chunks of experience.
There is something vividly heart-breaking about seeing the neat lettering of a 35 year old woman devolve into the half-inch-high, barely-legible scrawl of a terrified little girl.
To see my past and my pain take such a physically undeniable representation in ink is simultaneously mind-blowing and deeply healing.
It is the kind of experience that reminds me of why I started this blog to begin with - the blended desire to share for catharsis, and to share for providing solidarity. I know I am not alone, and I see others in the world around me every day whose stories carry gut-wrenching echoes of my own.
I'm not ready to share those handwritten letters, just yet. Someday.
But I do have a backlog of entries for this site, that I wrote over two years ago and never quite had the chance to publish.
Some just needed some privacy edits before making their way onto the internet. Some... I simply wasn't ready to admit to yet.
It's time to add them, now, to the project. I am well enough in heart, mind, and body to put these out there.
I've posted the following entries today, retroactively; they're grouped loosely by theme:
My gender identity journey
Dealing with the realities of child abuse as a recovering adult
Sunday, May 12, 2019 - Mother's Day
Mental health
Saturday, June 29, 2019 part two
Assorted Updates
Sunday, May 19, 2019 (redacted)
There are a few more left, which will have to wait a tiny bit longer. As much as I'm grateful to be healthy and healed enough, these days, to revisit and publish these, it's still a very taxing and tiring experience.
I hope they might do someone some good.
Ultimately, I finished with one last retroactive post - one I wasn't sure about sharing, for a while, due to the heavily political nature of its contents; but after 2020, and 2021, it feels like the right thing to say aloud.
And besides, it ends with a beautifully fitting tonic note - a return to the theme of this blog, this entry, and so many threads of my life: Thursday, July 4, 2019